Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
