Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
