cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
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