If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
