One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
