Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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