I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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