VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
