I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
