So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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