I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
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