if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Randomize