Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
