I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
