i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
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