my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
