i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
