You're my little dorito
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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