a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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