how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
