So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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