I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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