mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
