i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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