She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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