I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
