I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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