we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
