at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Randomize
