At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
