Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
