I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
