she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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