Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
