I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I love you. Go after that dick
I need mimosas to revive my soul
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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