listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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