Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
