I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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