I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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