I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
