I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
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