legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
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