I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
