everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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