I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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