3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
