I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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