I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
