You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
