dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
