I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
is wine microwaveable?
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
