you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
