I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Congratulations! We have a period
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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