my phone needs a breathalizer
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
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