if you like me you must not know who I am
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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