I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
