I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I think i got beer on your cat.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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