Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
