I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
