last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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