this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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