Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
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