I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I got inside last night via doggy door
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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