wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize