question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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