DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I will pee on everything he values.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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