Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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