I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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