I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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