mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
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