she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
