Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
