What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
