I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
You have to summon your inner elephant
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
