do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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