Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
