no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
