so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize