tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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