I'm going to jail i love you
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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