I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
