Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
